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On occasion, Jay Spring is convinced he is “the most exceptional individual alive”. Living with narcissistic personality disorder, his periods of extreme self-importance often turn “highly unrealistic”, he admits. “You are on cloud nine and you’re like, ‘People will see that I stand above others … I’ll do great things for the world’.”

Regarding his experience, these episodes of self-aggrandisement are often coming after a “crash”, a period when he feels deeply emotional and embarrassed about his conduct, making him particularly vulnerable to disapproval from external sources. He first suspected he might have this personality condition after investigating his behaviors through digital sources – and was later confirmed by a specialist. But, he questions he would have taken the label without having already reached that realization by himself. “If you try to tell somebody that they have NPD, {they’ll probably deny it|denial is a common response|they’re likely to reject it,” he notes – particularly if they feel beliefs of dominance. “They’re in a delusional world that they made for themselves. And that world is like, I’m the greatest and {nobody can question me|no one should doubt me|my authority is absolute.”

Clarifying NPD

Though people have been identified with narcissism for over 100 years, definitions vary what people refer to as the term. It’s common to label everybody a narcissist,” says a leading researcher, noting the word is “overused” – but when it comes to a formal diagnosis, he notes many people keep it private, due to so much stigma associated with the condition. An individual diagnosed will tend to have “a heightened sense of self”, “impaired compassion”, and “a pattern of manipulating others to seek admiration through actions such as displaying material goods,” the specialist clarifies. Those with NPD may be “highly self-focused”, to the point that {“they’re not able to hold down stable relationships|“their jobs are damaged|“they have a distorted view of reality,” he states.

I never truly valued about anyone really, so relationships weren’t a priority relationships seriously

Variations by Gender in Narcissism

Although three-quarters of people identified as having the condition are males, research points out this statistic does not mean there are fewer narcissistic women, but that female narcissism is more often presented in the covert form, which is less commonly diagnosed. “Men’s narcissism tends to be a bit more accepted, just kind of like everything in society,” says a 23-year-old who shares content on her dual diagnosis on digital platforms. It is not uncommon, the two disorders co-occur.

Personal Struggles

I find it difficult with handling criticism and being turned down,” she explains, whenever it’s suggested that the issue lies with me, I often enter a defensive state or I withdraw entirely.” Although experiencing this behavior – which is known as “ego wounding”, she has been trying to overcome it and accept input from her support system, as she aims to avoid falling into the harmful behaviour of her past. I used to be manipulative to my partners during adolescence,” she admits. Through dialectical behavioural therapy, she has been able to mitigate her NPD symptoms, and she says she and her significant other “maintain an agreement where I’ve instructed him, ‘If I say something messed up, when I use toxic language, address it {right then and there|immediately|in the moment’.”

She grew up mainly in the care of her father and notes she didn’t have supportive figures in her youth. “I’ve been learning continuously the difference between acceptable versus unacceptable to say in conflicts because I never had that in my formative years,” she says. “Nothing was off-limits when my family members were belittling me in my early years.”

Underlying Factors of Narcissistic Traits

Personality disorders tend to be linked to difficulties as a child. “There is a genetic component,” says a consultant psychiatrist. But, when someone exhibits NPD characteristics, it is often “connected with that person’s unique upbringing”. Those traits were “their strategy in some ways to survive at a very early age”, he continues, when they may have been ignored, or only shown love that was conditional on meeting certain expectations. They then “continue to use those same mechanisms as adults”.

In common with many of the those diagnosed, a person from Leeds thinks his parents “could also have the disorder. The 38-year-old shares when he was a child, “their needs came first and their work and their social life. So it was like, don’t bother us.” When their attention turned to him, it came in the form of “significant demands to achieve high marks and life achievements, he recalls, which made him feel that if he didn’t meet their standards, he wasn’t “good enough”.

As he grew older, none of his relationships were successful. “I’ve never cared about anyone really,” he says. “So I’ve never taken relationships seriously.” He didn’t think experiencing genuine affection, until he met his long-term relationship of three years, who is diagnosed with BPD, so, in a comparable situation, finds it hard to manage feelings. She is “really understanding of the thoughts that occur in my head”, he says – it was surprisingly, she who originally considered he might have NPD.

Accessing Support

Subsequent to a consultation to his doctor, he was directed to a therapist for an assessment and was given the NPD label. He has been recommended for talking therapy on the public health system (extended treatment is the main intervention that has been shown to help NPD patients, experts say), but has been on the treatment delay for an extended period: “They said it is expected around early next year.”

He has shared with a few individuals about his NPD diagnosis, because “there’s a big stigma that every person with NPD is harmful”, but, privately, he has accepted it. “It helps me to understand myself better, which is beneficial,” he explains. Each individual have accepted their narcissism and are looking for support for it – hence being willing to talk about it – which is likely not typical of all people with the condition. But the presence of individuals sharing their stories and the rise of virtual networks suggest that {more narcissists|a growing number